My sweet little Ethan should be going into surgery right now. It is killing me not being there! Its not like I can make it better for him, but at least I get to see what he is doing and not be away from him so long. I wish that I had enough faith to just take life as it comes without exhausting myself with worry. It's just an eye surgery and the same kind he had a year ago. Not only that, but if the unthinkable happens, I know that everything is part of the plan of our Heavenly Father and that all works to our eternal good. In spite of that, I spend so much time torturing myself with all of the tragic possibilities and fearing the worst before it even happens. How do you get to the point where you have the faith not to do that?
I guess I am just selfish. I want to control everything to keep bad things from happening. I just love my family so much I don't think I could bear losing them. And I feel like I am so blessed and haven't really had to deal with any MAJOR trials. So I guess I feel it is only a matter of time before something terrible has to happen. (What a terrible attitude huh?) The irony is that I suffer so much because of my fears without any bad things happening! And my anxiety can't stop anything from happening anyway!! The other reason it doesn't make sense to me is that the Lord has NEVER left me alone.
I thank him every day for the path he has lead me on. My life never really has gone as I planned, and yet I wouldn't change ONE THING. He has lead me into greater joy than I could have ever imagined for myself over and over again. He has blessed me so endlessly. He has proven to me so many times that he knows better than I what will make me happy. He has protected my children so many times even that I have witnessed. So in my mind it doesn't make sense. Why can't I just say "Lord, I trust you to completely, my life is in your hands" And then truly let go and enjoy the ride. It should be so easy. Why do I waste my time and energy agonizing over everything!
I hope some day I will be able to say that I don't worry, because I have perfect trust in my Father in Heaven. (I hope it is before I land myself in a mental institution :). I am truly thankful for my testimony of the gospel. I don't know how I could be happy without it. I am thankful for the perfect plan of our Father that helps us to grow and learn here on earth. I am thankful for the knowledge of eternal families. That the wonderful relationships with those we love SO much never have to end. I am thankful to know that our Lord and Savior knows our every pain and trial, even those we make for ourselves. I am thankful to know that he cares. I am thankful to Him for his sacrifice to make our joy possible. And I do feel so much joy. I feel worried today, but my life is so blessed. I have three of the most amazing children who make me laugh, and cry, and fill my life with endless happiness. My husband is the greatest man I have ever known. He gets better and better as the years go by. He is such a support and SOOO patient with me :). He is the perfect husband and father. We all wait impatiently for the times he is home. I cannot imagine living without him.
It has been an hour! Now, Ethan should almost be out of his surgery. I only have a few more hours of unnecessary worry before I can hold him!