Friday, September 2, 2011


This week my 10 month old got stung by a a place I would never expect to have to worry about it. Was she gallivanting in the yard, or taking a walk in the stroller you ask? Nope. Just crawling up our stairs on her way to bed. I guess that is what I get for leaving the front door open all day while the kids play. I forgot to take a picture of her poor swelled little pinkie. But she is a determined young woman. I am sad to report that her experience hasn't dimmed her fascination with the stairs at all.

Saturday, July 23, 2011


I can't sleep and I wanted to take a minute and make sure that I record along with all of my complaints, and events, just how much I LOVE my kids.  I often feel overwhelmed with all I have to do, or rather all I don't get done...  But in spite of that, every day I am thankful for the special, one of a kind kids who the Lord was kind enough to bless me with.  Each one of them sets a great example for me in their own way.  I got a horrible cough over the last week or so.  I haven't done ANYTHING, and they have been cooped up in this house for such a long time.  But they haven't complained, even though I haven't let them out the many times they have asked.  And Jayden is constantly bringing me drinks, to help me feel better.  I always find myself blocked when I want to describe for them how much they matter to me.  It's hard to put into words, because they each have these little different qualities that lift my heart.  And I can talk about the little things they say that make me smile or things I like about them...  But it is more than that.  They are SO good inside, and I can feel it, and it does make me feel unworthy to be their mom, especially when I think of how bad I am to them sometimes.  But it also makes me feel thankful for EVERY little minute I get with them, because my time with them is the most AMAZING of my life.  Especially the ones where I get to listen to what they think, or something they discovered...AMAZING.  Both watching them learn, and just learning new facets of their personality, there is nothing like it.  Even Courtney already lifts me so much.  She is such an easy smiler, and she grins so big when she sees us(jay and I) that it seems like her face might break.  It is the best feeling in the world seeing her, and my other kids smile.  Jayden is already so helpful.  I am constantly asking him to go get this or put away that, and he almost always is willing to do whatever little task I give him.  He loves to draw and always has things he wants to write to narrate his books he makes.  I love that he is creative and wants to learn.  And he has such a tender side, especially for animals.  He is so fascinated with them, and tells me constantly different things he learns.  Not to mention, adopting obscure new ones into his games and stories.  The other day he said to me, "I am hungry like a mussel, and not the kind on your body."(I think I was an adult before knew what a mussel was. :)  And when he's a badger he's not just a badger, he's a honey badger...or an arctic wolf, etc... :).  He is getting old enough to understand spiritual things, and I LOVE to talk to him when we read the scriptures.  He already reminds me when we don't read and tells me that he sleeps better and doesn't have as many nightmares when we read our scriptures.  I hope he keeps that awareness.  Ethan is also my little care taker too.  He wants to help Courtney so much.  A lot of his days are spent smiling at her, or trying to make her laugh.  I hope I never forget the look he gets on his face when he looks at her.  He looks like HE is going to burst!  And his stories make me happy too.  I wish I could remember every one of all of their stories.  They says the cutest, and funniest things.  Both boys are constantly telling me things they learn about the world.  Like, for instance, Ethan said one day "You can't throw cake on the police, or they will throw you in jail".  "So don't do that okay?  Promise you won't do that?"  Modesty is very important to him.  He told Kayleigh or Jayden one time while their shirt was off:  "Get away from me!  Your Naked!....  You don't want people around when you are naked huh?  Yeah, or I might throw up" And one more funny thing: we were watching beauty and the beast and he was SO sad at the end when the beast was hurt.  Jayden always had this reaction when he watched monster's inc and found out that boo had to leave.  So I thought this one would be easy.  I cuddled him in my arms and tried to comfort him and let him know that the beast was alright, he was just turned back into a human.  I forget he loves little monsters...whenever he pretends these days he either wants to be a skeleton with no hair, or a tron guy.  Formerly, he frequently picked zombies...I know, thanks Jay!  He replied, " I want him to be a beast only!  I don't want him to be a women!"  For those of you who are puzzled by the women comment, just watch the end of beauty and the beast as he is transformed into his handsome prince self with the flowing blonde locks, and tell me that hair doesn't look like a woman...or women in Ethan's terms.  He is always very aware of Jesus and the right things to do.  In fact, of late, the other person he likes to pretend to be is Jesus...It has caused me to wrestle with my conscience on how to deal with it.  He wants a towel or a blanket to put over his head and has even used Courtney's headbands, wrapped around the chin part of his face for a beard.  I remember when he was very little, maybe even two, he fell on the porch on his way out to the car and scraped his face.  We were on our way to church and we kind of decided to stay home, because he was bleeding and hurt.  He cried and said that Jesus wanted him at church.  And more recently, we are pretty much always late to church.  So late that rather than skulk into sacrament meeting, we just sit in the foyer.  He has begged a few times to go inside and is very distraught about not getting to.  So anyway, I don't want to discourage that kind of sensitivity.  Of course the wrestle is because I don't want him to take the Savior and what he did lightly or not teach him enough respect for Him.  But I also don't want to discourage him from making the Savior a part of his life and encourage him rather to be a skeleton or other character... Here I am on a tangent!  I'm just trying to say, I am happy that he too is sensitive to spiritual things.  My kids are SO much better than I was at such a young age...Who am I kidding, they are better than me now!  I hope they can continue to learn how to follow those good feelings.  Even Kayleigh, she loves to sing and I love to hear her sing I am a child of God.  At first I thought it was so cute how it sounded like I am a child of God, but it was a bunch of garbled syllables.  My favorite part though, was when she sang "w' gramma kine a ears!"  Instead of parents kind and dear.  Now she sings it like a pro.  She has even sang it a few times in the car at my request to calm the baby... or me!  She also loves to play pretend.  She is an AMAZING doggy.  With the panting and even an occasional doggy kiss.  And she LOVEs to pretend she's a baby and sometimes amazes me with her great courtney impressions!  She really likes to set up who's going to be what in her game.  One minute I'm assigned to be the baby and she's the mommy, the next we swap, it really keeps me on my toes :).  Another time, Kayleigh: "I a goggy (doggy), Ethan is a cow, and Jayden is a guck(duck).  And you are a....cow."  Me(trying not to take offense at the cow comment :): "what is daddy?"  "aaa...guck." "And courtney?"  "a guck."  Have you seen this girl?!?  She is so cute, as well as very smart and stubborn.  I'll be honest, she scares me!  But she is also so sweet natured.  She is constantly trying to help people feel better and often forfeits her toy or does other unselfish things to make Ethan or others happy.  In fact, my favorite thing to see in nursery is when she tries to find toys for the kids who are not so happy to be there.  What a darling girl :).  The one thing I can say about Courtney beside the fact that I love how happy she is and how remarkably patient she is.  I love her wise eyes.  They seem to see right through me.  I'm sure she will have a lot to teach me as I get to know her better.  And she is a real go getter too.  She makes me tired sometimes, but I love her determination.
 My one hope when I am old and grey and return to Heavenly Father, is that each memory I have of my kids is as clear as the day we made it.  I'm sure I am the most forgetful person I know.  And SO many are forgotten before I record them.  I always feel blocked when I am trying to think of posts like these.  I just hope that all those millions of moments are somehow being stored up there and will be waiting for me. 
If in twenty years my kids read this, Please know this.  I think you are AMAZING!  Every one of you!  I could never pick a favorite because each of you are so unique and special you are each my favorite you!  I love you more than I could ever say in words.  My one hope above all others is to see you happy in your lives and to be with you FOREVER.  EVERY day, even the ones I yell and scream, I pray a thankful prayer to Heavenly Father for giving you to me.  And I beg him to help you to learn what you need to learn in spite of my unskilled teaching, and to bless me with patience since I am SO lacking in that.   I beg him to help you to return to him and be happy.  I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU!  Your faithful mommy :)

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Count Your Blessings

I have been in kind of a strange place these days...  I have tons of blog posts in my queue, all unfinished...a pile of laundry at the bottom of my stairs endless pile of dishes, that though I feel I am washing constantly, remains unfinished...  I assume you get the picture, only those who have been unfortunate enough to enter my home see the enormity of my failure, and for those people...I am very sorry :).  Then you combine that with my short temper, and my general frazzled, forgetful, brain that can't organize a thought, let alone a sentence, or an action... and I have basically been feeling like I'm in a sand pit.  I claw and claw my way up the side and think, I'm doing this, I am going to get to the top! (You know in the morning when I have already gotten the kids off to school and gotten some laundry started and dishes done.  And I'm thinking, at this rate, I'll have time to clean these two rooms today AND, maybe have time to help Jayden with his homework and, read to the kids and, maybe even let them do an art project while I make dinner!  And, TODAY I'm going to have dinner ready ON TIME!  YES!!!)  Then, the next thing I know, It's four o'clock...It feels like I just blinked.  (While making meals, solving fights, feeding my constantly hungry baby, and admittedly, checking facebook)  Oh well, so much for two clean rooms, homework, and art projects...good thing he's still in kindergarten!!  I better hurry and fill the dishwasher again and start dinner, at least that will be on time tonight...  Of course that gets interrupted several times and I am at six thirty going...  Oh no!  We are eating at 7 again and my poor children are STARVING, and where in the heck are all those clean dishes, and who dumped that chocolate milk behind the table!?!?  Man, I wish I swept up those cheerios this morning before they dumped that milk!  And I never changed that batch out!!!  So basically, I claw my way up and get just high enough to see success, and that darn sand starts sliding.  Before I know it I am back at the bottom, exhausted, and NO CLOSER to the summit.  I have often pictured myself in some natural setting like this, I don't know why.  In the past I pictured myself climbing the side of the mountain with my kids in a pack on my back.  It was a hard climb, but then I could take a rest, look out, and see a beautiful view.  I don't know how I got from there to this SAND PIT!  I'm going back to the mountains, they are the place I love.
I read a little article in the friend, and got some amazing advice from my mom.  (As usual, do you know my mom?  If you do, you are a lucky person.)  I think I am getting out of this place!  I have been slowly implementing her suggestions, as well as some goals of my own.  Oddly, my physical surroundings have not changed much...  I am still WAY overweight, and I don't think I am any more organized yet... but I yelled a lot less this week!  And my mental imagery has changed some...  I picture a winding path.  Still a little dark, but mountainous, with the darkness coming from trees shading it, that has to be a good thing.  I hated the monotony of that sand pit ;).  And I feel happy.  Now I have never not felt blessed.  I have AMAZING children and a fantastic husband.  I just felt like the blight on their otherwise happy lives.  And I was starting to feel helpless to change anything.
Now, I have a long way to go, but I am trying to adopt some things that will help me do better physically.  I love having goals and feeling like you are moving toward some level of accomplishment.  But more importantly, I want to FEEL good.  And though accomplishing my goals does help, I have needed a spiritual overhaul.  In case any of you feel like me, here are the suggestions that my mom gave me for baby steps that can be done even in a crazy busy life.  I have sporadically read scriptures, or the Ensign, but in my disorganized life, I find that I do one thing one day, and different things the next and a week or several, will go by without any study.  She suggested playing primary songs all day on the radio, as one way to change the spirit in my home.  That is the only one that I have fully implemented, and it has helped A LOT!  I'll get there eventually with these other two!  Playing the scriptures on the computer in the morning while I get ready and make Jay's lunch etc...  And getting dressed and ready for the day first thing.  (Anyone who has seen me in recent months know I have not yet implemented this one!)
The other thing that has helped me was a little article I read to the kids from the friend.  It is an exerpt from a Talk given by Henry B. Eyring in the October 2007 general conference.  I haven't read the whole talk yet, I am going to include what I read in the friend here:
"Forgetting God has been a problem among His children since the world began. Think of the times of Moses, when God provided manna and in miraculous and visible ways led and protected His children. Still the prophet warned the people: “Take heed … lest thou forget the things which thine eyes have seen” (Deuteronomy 4:9).
Find ways to recognize and remember God’s kindness. It will build our testimonies. You remember that song we sometimes sing: “Count your many blessings; name them one by one, and it will surprise you what the Lord has done” (“Count Your Blessings,” Hymns, no. 241).
When our children were very small, I started to write down a few things about what happened every day. I never missed a day no matter how tired I was or how early I would have to start the next day. Before I would write, I would ponder this question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?” As I would cast my mind over the day, I would see evidence of what God had done for one of us that I had not recognized in the busy moments of the day. I realized that trying to remember had allowed God to show me what He had done.
The Holy Ghost helps us see what God has done for us. I testify that God loves us and blesses us more than most of us have yet recognized. I know that is true, and it brings me joy to remember Him."

Attitude is SO much a deciding factor in our lives.  So my first goal tied to this is to change the way I think.  I think so many negative thoughts...  Mostly about myself and my many failures, but even more than that...  If I am stressed about a social situation or something negative that might happen or has happened I have these conversations in my head about what I wish I said, or even worse what I could say if the confrontation I imagine might happen actually does happen.  (Of course usually those imagined confrontations NEVER happen)  And isn't that sick?  Who spends their life thinking over and over of their stinging reply they wish they said when someone said something rude...LET IT GO!  And worse, the what if some person says something mean to them next week when a stressful situation might happen at this event or that??  Who thinks of their possible reply in a situation like that!?!  I am so weird...  So the one thing I got out of this is to STOP thinking, let alone saying bad things.  I am trying not to gossip, or even let myself think anything bad about another person, or about myself.  The primary songs have helped a TON with this.  Both to making me aware of negative thoughts and helping me purge those bad habits!  As with everything else, I have a LONG way to go.
The other goal I have tied to this is to record in my journal, positive things that have happened each week.  Or where we have been touched by the hand of God.  Since my blog is my journal, maybe I'll be actually catching up on it!
My other feel good goals beside continuing to work toward organization are to do the things I love to do.  I love to spend time with my kids.  I love to blog.  And I love to sew, and make things.  So those are some things that I am going to do.  My favorite quick sewing project of late, is fabric flowers.  So I am going to make some every week for my girls and to sell on ebay or give as gifts.  If anyone who reads this has any interest in buying flowers, let me know and I'll post the ones I make each week.  I'll probably be selling them for 3-5 bucks each.  Also, if anyone wants me to make a particular kind...  If you'll buy me five bucks worth of material and whatever centers you want for the flowers, I'll make you two flowers of whatever size and kind you want. (That is if you want a particular center.  I make soft fleece or felt centers on big flowers and I can put a button or jewel if it is a small flower.  But if you want a covered button, or other large button you'll have to buy them.)  I can post or email pics of the kinds I make if anyone has interest.  And I'll just keep the extra fabric as payment.  (That will help me work on my hobby without spending money that I don't have!)  Also, anyone who sews and wants to help me out, please give me any scraps of fabric or ribbon that you won't use.  I can make flowers with very small amts of fabric, so if you are going to throw it away anyway, I would love to have it!! :)  Life is great and we are so blessed to be here!  I am going to count my four special blessings on another post today or tomorrow, but for now, goodbye!  And thanks for listening :).