Grateful

I can't sleep and I wanted to take a minute and make sure that I record along with all of my complaints, and events, just how much I LOVE my kids.  I often feel overwhelmed with all I have to do, or rather all I don't get done...  But in spite of that, every day I am thankful for the special, one of a kind kids who the Lord was kind enough to bless me with.  Each one of them sets a great example for me in their own way.  I got a horrible cough over the last week or so.  I haven't done ANYTHING, and they have been cooped up in this house for such a long time.  But they haven't complained, even though I haven't let them out the many times they have asked.  And Jayden is constantly bringing me drinks, to help me feel better.  I always find myself blocked when I want to describe for them how much they matter to me.  It's hard to put into words, because they each have these little different qualities that lift my heart.  And I can talk about the little things they say that make me smile or things I like about them...  But it is more than that.  They are SO good inside, and I can feel it, and it does make me feel unworthy to be their mom, especially when I think of how bad I am to them sometimes.  But it also makes me feel thankful for EVERY little minute I get with them, because my time with them is the most AMAZING of my life.  Especially the ones where I get to listen to what they think, or something they discovered...AMAZING.  Both watching them learn, and just learning new facets of their personality, there is nothing like it.  Even Courtney already lifts me so much.  She is such an easy smiler, and she grins so big when she sees us(jay and I) that it seems like her face might break.  It is the best feeling in the world seeing her, and my other kids smile.  Jayden is already so helpful.  I am constantly asking him to go get this or put away that, and he almost always is willing to do whatever little task I give him.  He loves to draw and always has things he wants to write to narrate his books he makes.  I love that he is creative and wants to learn.  And he has such a tender side, especially for animals.  He is so fascinated with them, and tells me constantly different things he learns.  Not to mention, adopting obscure new ones into his games and stories.  The other day he said to me, "I am hungry like a mussel, and not the kind on your body."(I think I was an adult before knew what a mussel was. :)  And when he's a badger he's not just a badger, he's a honey badger...or an arctic wolf, etc... :).  He is getting old enough to understand spiritual things, and I LOVE to talk to him when we read the scriptures.  He already reminds me when we don't read and tells me that he sleeps better and doesn't have as many nightmares when we read our scriptures.  I hope he keeps that awareness.  Ethan is also my little care taker too.  He wants to help Courtney so much.  A lot of his days are spent smiling at her, or trying to make her laugh.  I hope I never forget the look he gets on his face when he looks at her.  He looks like HE is going to burst!  And his stories make me happy too.  I wish I could remember every one of all of their stories.  They says the cutest, and funniest things.  Both boys are constantly telling me things they learn about the world.  Like, for instance, Ethan said one day "You can't throw cake on the police, or they will throw you in jail".  "So don't do that okay?  Promise you won't do that?"  Modesty is very important to him.  He told Kayleigh or Jayden one time while their shirt was off:  "Get away from me!  Your Naked!....  You don't want people around when you are naked huh?  Yeah, or I might throw up" And one more funny thing: we were watching beauty and the beast and he was SO sad at the end when the beast was hurt.  Jayden always had this reaction when he watched monster's inc and found out that boo had to leave.  So I thought this one would be easy.  I cuddled him in my arms and tried to comfort him and let him know that the beast was alright, he was just turned back into a human.  I forget he loves little monsters...whenever he pretends these days he either wants to be a skeleton with no hair, or a tron guy.  Formerly, he frequently picked zombies...I know, thanks Jay!  He replied, " I want him to be a beast only!  I don't want him to be a women!"  For those of you who are puzzled by the women comment, just watch the end of beauty and the beast as he is transformed into his handsome prince self with the flowing blonde locks, and tell me that hair doesn't look like a woman...or women in Ethan's terms.  He is always very aware of Jesus and the right things to do.  In fact, of late, the other person he likes to pretend to be is Jesus...It has caused me to wrestle with my conscience on how to deal with it.  He wants a towel or a blanket to put over his head and has even used Courtney's headbands, wrapped around the chin part of his face for a beard.  I remember when he was very little, maybe even two, he fell on the porch on his way out to the car and scraped his face.  We were on our way to church and we kind of decided to stay home, because he was bleeding and hurt.  He cried and said that Jesus wanted him at church.  And more recently, we are pretty much always late to church.  So late that rather than skulk into sacrament meeting, we just sit in the foyer.  He has begged a few times to go inside and is very distraught about not getting to.  So anyway, I don't want to discourage that kind of sensitivity.  Of course the wrestle is because I don't want him to take the Savior and what he did lightly or not teach him enough respect for Him.  But I also don't want to discourage him from making the Savior a part of his life and encourage him rather to be a skeleton or other character... Here I am on a tangent!  I'm just trying to say, I am happy that he too is sensitive to spiritual things.  My kids are SO much better than I was at such a young age...Who am I kidding, they are better than me now!  I hope they can continue to learn how to follow those good feelings.  Even Kayleigh, she loves to sing and I love to hear her sing I am a child of God.  At first I thought it was so cute how it sounded like I am a child of God, but it was a bunch of garbled syllables.  My favorite part though, was when she sang "w' gramma kine a ears!"  Instead of parents kind and dear.  Now she sings it like a pro.  She has even sang it a few times in the car at my request to calm the baby... or me!  She also loves to play pretend.  She is an AMAZING doggy.  With the panting and even an occasional doggy kiss.  And she LOVEs to pretend she's a baby and sometimes amazes me with her great courtney impressions!  She really likes to set up who's going to be what in her game.  One minute I'm assigned to be the baby and she's the mommy, the next we swap, it really keeps me on my toes :).  Another time, Kayleigh: "I a goggy (doggy), Ethan is a cow, and Jayden is a guck(duck).  And you are a....cow."  Me(trying not to take offense at the cow comment :): "what is daddy?"  "aaa...guck." "And courtney?"  "a guck."  Have you seen this girl?!?  She is so cute, as well as very smart and stubborn.  I'll be honest, she scares me!  But she is also so sweet natured.  She is constantly trying to help people feel better and often forfeits her toy or does other unselfish things to make Ethan or others happy.  In fact, my favorite thing to see in nursery is when she tries to find toys for the kids who are not so happy to be there.  What a darling girl :).  The one thing I can say about Courtney beside the fact that I love how happy she is and how remarkably patient she is.  I love her wise eyes.  They seem to see right through me.  I'm sure she will have a lot to teach me as I get to know her better.  And she is a real go getter too.  She makes me tired sometimes, but I love her determination.
 My one hope when I am old and grey and return to Heavenly Father, is that each memory I have of my kids is as clear as the day we made it.  I'm sure I am the most forgetful person I know.  And SO many are forgotten before I record them.  I always feel blocked when I am trying to think of posts like these.  I just hope that all those millions of moments are somehow being stored up there and will be waiting for me. 
If in twenty years my kids read this, Please know this.  I think you are AMAZING!  Every one of you!  I could never pick a favorite because each of you are so unique and special you are each my favorite you!  I love you more than I could ever say in words.  My one hope above all others is to see you happy in your lives and to be with you FOREVER.  EVERY day, even the ones I yell and scream, I pray a thankful prayer to Heavenly Father for giving you to me.  And I beg him to help you to learn what you need to learn in spite of my unskilled teaching, and to bless me with patience since I am SO lacking in that.   I beg him to help you to return to him and be happy.  I love you I love you I love you I LOVE YOU!  Your faithful mommy :)